BS’D

We are blessed. We have Chagim U’Zmanim L’Sasson – Holy Days and Times for Ecstatic Joy. The Jewish People have been gifted with periods out of space and time. Shabbat and Holy Days allow us to connect with eternal truth, that which is always, as opposed to being held prisoner to the vagaries of the conditions of the seeming reality of the moment and believing that that’s it. Aside from the uniqueness of each Shabbat and Holy Day with their specific message, teaching, intention and opportunity, they should serve as protections from despair and liberating enablers to bring the Coming World.

I live for Shabbat and Chagim. The truth is, it’s very simple for me. The only real work in this world is to do that which we aren’t: relate to each other on the highest and deepest of levels; helping one another live outside ‘olam shel sheker’. If every evil in the world is some manifestation of relating to the other wrongly, then the opposite should be its tikkun. So I had the most awesome, redemptive Chanukah in Uman and Mezhibuzh and I had the most real, profound Purim ever. But what then? The drop off from the eternal to the temporal has become so breathtaking that I no longer fully know how to be in either. So these special times are no longer redemptive as they once were.

Those closest to me, know that the last years have been filled with pain and sadness and a meaningful amount of anger and understand that I could not be yesterday’s Moish, today. Most don’t understand. They only want to see the ever public Moish, filled with joy, humor and laughter, easing hard energy and always knowing what to say to save the moment. This Moish emerges only now and then.

I look at the world and what is happening and add that to the ever present memory of all that has occurred in the last 6 and a half years and shrink back. What to do? There’s only one thing left to do: To shout from the top of ones lungs and yell: STOP! THERE’S ONLY ONE THING TO DO: STORM THE GATES OF HEAVEN AND NOT LET UP UNTIL THE REDEMPTION IS HERE!!!!!!!!

Who me? Who’s listening? Who has patience to be taught to see with new eyes? Who is disgusted enough with the world as it is and in what direction is it moving that they’re ready to abandon living life as if this is the way it will always be; to make change? Why would anyone listen to me? Who would open up the channels for the message to be communicated?

So I lie is wait. Times are so portentous that I wait HaShem’s next big cataclysmic move. I lie in wait for the Great Day. I used to work hard, ceaselessly and passionately for it to come. I’ve lost the passion that used to drive me. There is only so much sadness and tragedy one can be sensitive to and exposed to.

And then Rav Avraham Sutton walks by and asks, “Waiting for HaShem? It’s up to US! He’s waiting for US!!!” And then I shrink even further back. I don’t know anymore how to work ‘yesh may’ayin’ – something from nothing. I don’t know how to ‘market’ my vision to finance the effort. And I wonder where all those who look to me are to bring their talents to bear to help coalesce the work. And if I have to do everything, I can’t do anything. And if this is all how I feel, then am I then not worthy of the neither the vision nor the privilege of manifesting it.?

For most of the last 17 years, I could work from nothing. I felt clearly guided by Heaven’s Hand. As long as there was some vestige of freshness from all that was shown to me in years past, I had something to draw upon to fuel my passion. But now I wonder why HaShem has shown me all that He has, of the greatness of the Great Day and the Coming World. The power of that vision has waned. It can only live for just so much time on memory. And time has caught up with memory.

The love, support and encouragement from friends and chevre from Shlomo world and Rainbow and Bat Ayin and Nachlaot and all the places in between, used to be enough. It used to be enough to have the stamina, resilience and endurance to forge ahead, despite poverty and lack of soul mate. Now it just enough to keep me alive.

I’m tired of the struggle to make it just one more day. I’m frustrated trying to come up with some scheme to ‘market’ Moish’s ‘rebbekeit’ so I can have a basic parnassa. And more than anything, I wonder why HaShem has deprived me of my own love of my life. And I despair of knowing what to do about it. I want a vacation. I want $36,000 to fix the gashmiut of my life, to attend to my health, physical as well as spiritual. And more than anything, I want to be better than I am, better than my weaknesses and better with my beliefs in G-d and self. I want to be better.

So I extend an invitation to G-d: Justify the secrets of my life. Justify all that I know, all that you’ve revealed to me and all that you’ve given me to contend with. Renew your contract and covenant with me.

“Melech Rachman, Rachem Aleynu. Tov U’Metiv Hdaresh Lanu.”

“Hashivenu HaShem Aleycha, v’Nashuva.”

“VaAni B’Chasdecha Batachti” – Can’t You find a better way? And do it now?

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